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Compromise Compromise. It almost sounds like a dirty word, doesn’t it? I nearly changed the name of this article to "Cooperation" in an effort to be gentle about the topic-but I decided that the emotional impact of the word "compromise" would make the lesson more interesting. Who wants to compromise? Usually, when two people compromise on something, they both feel like they’re losing. If this happens, you’re using a bad model of what compromising is. The "Win-Lose" model may work in the outside world, but it wreaks havoc inside intimate relationships. In fact, what often happens when one partner insists on a "Win-Lose" model is you end up with a "Lose-Lose" situation! The "Win-Win" model is the only one that promotes healthy relationships.
The Random House Dictionary defines compromise as "a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by… reciprocal modification of demands." When you compromise, you don’t make demands of your partner, you make requests. When you compromise, you do so from a base of trust and goodwill. Otherwise, you’re not really engaging in compromise, but in negotiation. It’s the difference between a couple compromising, and a divorced couple negotiating.
In order to compromise successfully, you must have four conditions: 1) A sense of fairness, 2) A clear idea of what you want, 3) An understanding of what your partner wants, and 4) A desire to create a "Win-Win" solution, Compromising with your lover is unlike compromising and negotiating with anyone else in the world. Why? Because there are not just two parties involved there are three. There’s you and me-and us. "Us" is a third "entity" that comes into being when a "me" and a "you" decide to become a couple. When you’re compromising in your relationship, there’s more at stake than "my" happiness, or "your" desires. You must also consider what’s best for the relationship. When the relationship wins, you both win. If you don’t feel that way, it’s an indication your commitment to the relationship isn’t as strong as you`d thought it was. Homework: Identifying Core Issues When you and your partner are faced with a difficult issue that requires compromise:
"My wife and I used to argue quite a lot until we learned that I’m a strawberry and she’s a grape," announced one fellow in a Relationship Seminar one night. In answer to our puzzled expressions he pulled out of his wallet a yellowed piece of paper that he said he’s been carrying around since World War II, and he read to us.. "He who knows nothing, -Parcalesus Don`t compromise yourself! You can give yourself, share yourself, extend yourself, express yourself, risk yourself-but don’t compromise yourself. Don’t settle for less in your life. If there’s one really bad trade that people commonly make, it’s this: They settle for feeling neutral or empty in order to avoid feeling hurt or alone. |
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