How to Create and Maintain Quality Relationships
BY SCOTT HUNTER

Whenever two or more people get together to accomplish anything, the primary element in the foundation upon which the accomplishment will be built is rich, empowering relationships. Unfortunately, the world we grew up in neither taught us the importance of quality relationships nor how to create and maintain them.

In virtually all relationships, whether business or personal, there is an initial euphoria stage, commonly referred to as the "honeymoon:' Unfortunately, the honeymoon eventually ends. While we think we enter relationships with a "blank slate;' this is simply not the case. Ali individuals have expectations about the nature of their relationships and intentions as to the outcome. Since we rarely discuss these expectations and intentions openly, fulfilling them becomes highly improbable.

The result is unfulfilled expectations and thwarted intentions, leaving us disappointed and often disillusioned. Once a disappointment has occurred and a person becomes upset, the same mistake is often repeated. Again, rather than discussing the unfulfilled expectation or thwarted intention, no one says anything. Communication is often the choice of last resort.

Instead, we open metaphorical "files" on others and store evidence against them whenever a negative judgment has taken place. Once opened, these files accumulate evidence, providing the genesis for the hidden agendas that most people conceal from each other. As the files continue to grow in the absence of communication, the relationships within the company cascade relentlessly downhill.

The following suggestions will help foster an environment where relationships take precedence.

Empty the files

People must learn that it is essential to refrain from building files and that they must stay in communication with their co-workers. Yet, because people don't appreciate the necessity of quality relationships and because they are untrained in responsible communication, this is rarely achieved. Co-workers need to understand why keeping mental files on each other harms relationships and sets up false expectations for the other person.

When employees are made aware of their internal file building practice, they can take the first step to discarding the information they've compiled and to opening up to those around them. This revelation creates an opportunity to train tl1em to speak and listen responsibly.

Speak without judgment

People must speak honestly and straight, but with compassion and respect. They must learn to not speak self-righteously or try to demean, attack or blame someone else for an upsetting emotion. Communication must become strictly a report on the speaker's thoughts and feelings about a particular person or event.

Listen proactively

There is a way to listen in which the listener's attention is on the speaker, on recognizing how it is for them. To do this, set aside judgment and interpretation and just "be there" for the other person. Just "get" the communication. Really work hard to understand and appreciate how it is for your co-workers, and encourage them to speak.

Apologize and forgive

Once communication is complete and all files have been emptied, people need to apologize to one another where appropriate and forgive each other. An apology is simply an acknowledgment of one's impact on another and a statement of responsibility in the resulting upset. It is also an invitation for the other to forgive.

True forgiveness wipes the slate clean, destroys the mental files, and starts the relationship anew. Its intent is to return the relationship to where and how it was before the event that caused the upset.

Empowering relationships will not solve all the problems in the present business environment. However, you cannot build an efficient and productive office environment without highly effective personal relationships. Nurturing relationships require real commitment to others and a willingness to do the work of effective communication. When people are willing to make this commitment and take these steps, communication and contribution become part of the company's culture, and creativity and innovation soar. The result is immediate access to breakthrough thinking-and bold action that increases a company's productivity and profitability for long-term results.

Copyright 2004 Scott Hunter. All rights reserved. Scott Hunter is a professional speaker, workshop leader, consultant and business coach. His work involves creating meaningful, quality relationships in the workplace to increase productivity, creativity, teamwork and profitability. He is the author of the ground-breaking book, Making Work Work. He can be reach at scott@thpalliance.com or visit his web site at www. thpalliance.com.