Feeling Pressured? Choose One Percent!

BY KATHY COLLARD MILLER

I was so discouraged, it seemed like nothing I did was right. Whether at work, home, or play, I kept rehearsing everything I did wrong. Yet, I woke up each day, with new motivation, vowing, "I'm never going to get angry at Larry or the kids again. I'm going to do everything right at my desk.  I'm going to be patient with everyone I meet. Today, I'm going to do it right!"

Yet by that night, my resolve was reduced to a dried up stream of motivation because I'd made mistake after mistake.

One day as I berated myself in front of a friend, she exclaimed, "Wow, Kathy, it sounds like you never do anything right." I didn't mind hearing that within my own mind but I didn't want anyone else thinking that, so I replied in a huff," Well, I didn't say that!  I did sit with my kids today and read them a book!"

My friend stared at me as if to say, "You didn't tell me that!" Later as I rehearsed that conversation, I saw an important dynamic: I used "absolute" words a lot! Words like: never, always, and all the time. It was black or white. If I didn't do something 100 percent correctly, I couldn't give myself credit for anything-even if I'd done something fairly well. That revelation helped me identify it as one of many characteristics of my perfectionist attitudes.

If I didn't do something 100 percent correctly, I couldn't give myself credit for anything - even if I'd done something fairly well. But by focusing on something more realistic, I had a better chance of succeeding.

As time went along, I developed a principle called "The 1 % Principle." Previously, I would make goals that required perfect performance.  Of course, I failed and then gave up completely.  With the focus on "one percent;' I changed my goal to: "I won't get angry at dinner time with my two-year-old." By focusing on something more realistic, I had a better chance of succeeding. Then I was encouraged to continue. And in time, my "one percents" added up. I was becoming more patient! I could see progress. I released myself from having to be perfect.

Then I began applying the principle to my unrealistic expectations of others. I remember the day I returned home from a speaking engagement and my husband, Larry, met me in the hallway, grinning like a Cheshire cat. What is he up to? I wondered.

He said, "Come into the kitchen." I followed him and with a flourish of his hand, he pointed to the dish-less sink. "I did the dishes for you!" I was so pleased! I wrapped my arms around him for a hug, but as I looked over his shoulder, my eyes gazed upon pieces of food and puddles of milk curdling "On the kitchen counter. He didn't wipe off the counter!

Just as I began opening my mouth to instruct him in proper dishwashing, I remembered the 1 % Principle-and quickly changed what I was about to say.  "Honey;' I exclaimed, "Thanks so much for supporting me in this way!" I was so glad I bit my tongue and appreciated his loving gift-even if it wasn't done perfectly. And, guess what? Larry did the dishes again the next evening! I bet he wouldn't have done them again-and many times since then-if I'd criticized his efforts.

By applying The 1 % Principle for several years now, I've found that even though my perfectionism is not cured...it currently is in remission. We perfectionists are never fully freed from our perfectionistic tendencies but it can be diminished as we make realistic goals and work towards them little by little.

Copyright Kathy Collard Miller .All rights reserved. Kathy Collard Miller is the author of 47 books, including Why Do I Put So Much Pressure on Myself and Others? from which this article is adapted. Her book is available on her web site, www.KathyCollardMiller.com. She is also a popular conference speaker and has spoken in 30 states and five foreign countries.